sevilla midfielder, 22, passes away

Antonio Puerta is dead.

cue the vomit in the mouth

Moggi FC is at the top of the table, and David 'Too Good For Serie B and 5 Million Euro A Year' Trezeguet is topscorer.

Sometimes you have to hate Serie A with every ounce of strength you possess.

pause for laughter

Q: What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United?
A: A triangle has three points.

[Hat-tip: Anissa.]

this just in, keano an ass

Alright then, Roy Keane, the ladies of DLG will keep this particular pronouncement of yours in mind the minute you decide to leave the club you currently manage because you get a call from a club in a city where the shopping's better. Not that you would ever do that, because we scheming, materialist hags have no power over your truly righteous manliness, do we? As penitence, though, let us offer you a solution to all the ills assailing your browbeaten innocent ship of football fools who are apparently incapable of thinking for themselves: breed them in pods and bring them up in seclusion, away from the faulty moral compasses of the female persuasion.

You're a prick, and we're decking you one for your sexism. Don't mind us.

ft: arsenal 2-1 fulham

So let's take stock of the rather woeful situation. Arsenal still can't finish, still struggle on the wings, still are guilty of allowing themselves to go a goal down far too easily. To add insult to injury they seem to have forgotten how to pass amongst themselves. Robin van Persie is still a diving little schmuck, Jens is still mad, and Flamini, somehow, ends up in central midfield.

But they still pwn.

Don't say we didn't warn you when they walk away with the Treble this year.

guest blogger: g. savonarola

Do you realise how disgustingly large the amounts of money football clubs in Europe have spent this season on human trafficking has been? Have not the individual efforts of Barcelona, Man United, Chelsea, Liverpool and Inter been so audaciously, suffocatingly, global-hunger-inducingly wasteful that you sink back in horror, completely certain that you will not be able to bear to directly look at the larger picture, in which the combined efforts of these monstrous regiments is supplemented by the lesser but by no means absent wickednesses of Madrid and Milan, who by dint of an unholy mix of guile and incompetence have incandesced the conflagrations around the slave trade of the noble if unlettered and savage spirit embodied by the modern footballer?

Fuck that shit, I say!

Stop averting your innocent eyes! Stop mumbling about boycotts! It will all burn in the eyes of the righteous! In the name of the now-despoiled young Alexandre Pato, SAVE THE SOUL OF FOOTBALL! Hope that they are all kicked out in the group stages of the Champions' League! I look forward to it, yes, look forward with thirsting spirit to the time when in the space of a single fortnight, United, Chelsea, Liverpool, Madrid, Barcelona, Milan and Inter are all ejected ignominously from the Big Cup's preliminary rounds! [And Lyon, who can go to join their fallen sisters in sin, Bayern Munich, in the UEFA Cup.] SKY Sports has to fire all its commentators because they know nothing about the truly worthy remaining competitors! Let the final be a beauteous pyrotechnic display of open, flowing football between Roma and Sevilla, so divinely inspired by the Hand of God celestial music of the spheres that their own supporters, among Europe's least civilised, sit quiet as savage beasts soothed by the pipes in a freezing stadium in Moscow one year from now! May there be a ten-goal thriller that ties the match at 5-5!

And somewhere, somehow, may Arsenal still end up winning the Cup!

Take that, you unrighteous sons of. MAMMON.

[And while we're at it, please let's relegate Juventus Ju-Know-Who again. I'm already tired of them.]