Saturday, June 02, 2007

Project Objectify: The Coaches

The wanton (but oh so necessary) objectification of persons connected with sport has been going on for a while now, here, here and occasionally here. Till now, however, the focus has been on the players. This time, we felt the coaches (specifically the football coaches) deserved a chance.

So here they are.

+ José Mourinho (Chelsea FC)

If you don’t think so, you’re not a real football fan.

+ Didier Deschamps (ex-Juventus)

Also known as Le Stone Fox. Obviously the 2004 Champions’ League final had the hottest coach-off in remembered history. Keep in mind that this was a game in which no less an objectifiable personage than Fernando Morientes was on the pitch (and actually playing football, for a change).

+ Marcello Lippi (in between jobs)

He’s old and rich, and possesses a yacht and a son (or maybe two) who runs a rotten empire of corruption in Serie A. He symbolizes everything that is disgusting about patriarchal Southern Europe. He has won everything with everyone, though, which means he doesn’t give a flying frick about what you think of him. Once, Marcello Lippi was called the Paul Newman of football. At sixty-five, Lippi is hotter than Paul Newman ever was, is, or will be. Put that in your illegally acquired yacht and sail it all around the Amalfi coast, haters.

+ Arsène Wenger (Arsenal FC)

Because the women of DLG have an inexplicable fetish for the accountant look.

[Although, when contacted, Wenger responded with a dignified, “I do not know zis. I did not see zis accountant you speak of. But I think maybe it is a penalty for us.”]

+ Gareth Southgate (Middlesborough FC)

He is young. He is strong. His nose is pretty!

…that’s about it, really. Gareth Southgate is very quintessentially English, and therefore there seems to be little else that we can expect of him.

+ Mark Hughes (Blackburn Rovers)

Ex-Barcelona (player), so he has that sexy Continent-returned vibe going for him. The salt and pepper hair makes it cooler and even more outrageous that he gets into fights with the teenaged Francesc Fabregas.

+ Alan Pardew (Charlton Athletic)

White hair and blue eyes in a careworn face. Perhaps we have a Gandalf thing, too. This is really bad for us.

+ Frank Rijkaard (Barcelona)

Oh COME ON. He’s youngish, has the most luscious curls in Christendom, and looks like he couldn’t give a damn about the fact that he manages the most difficult prima donnas in Europe’s best team. (Sry, Milan. They own ur ass.) Meet Frank Rijkaard, rockstar manqué. It is unfortunate that his swell suits all have sponsor names printed on their backs. We are certain this gives him great grief; possibly more than Eto’o’s perpetual fit of the sulks.

+ Fabio Capello (Real Madrid)

How does the really bad manager of a really bad team make it on to the list of the most successful managers of all time? Well, about as inexplicably as he makes this list and La Liga capitulates to la Real. Papa Capz is bad-tempered, wrinkly, and uses bad hair dye, but his sartorial sense is sharper than David Beckham (… oh. Never mind.) and his glasses and general air of old-world pig-headedness make him by far the most desirable 34850384500 year old in football, in a slightly disturbing way.

+ Roberto Donadoni (ex-Livorno; Italy)

Hoo, boy. This ex-New York Metrostars superstud managed Livorno for something like six games before they decided that he was a bad manager who did not help them win any games (NB: Livorno never win any games under any manager) and the man, whom you may also know from his days in AC Milan and the Nazionale, is now strutting his stuff as the manager of the Italian men’s football team. We don’t know how the World Cup winners feel about his coaching skills, but as someone who heads a pack of professionally contracted Dolce and Gabbana models, we must say that Donadoni more than passes muster.

+ Quique Sanchez Flores (Valencia)


We feel this says enough.

+ Martin O’Neill (Aston Villa)

(seen here embracing the lost art of folk dancing?)

1. He has glasses and a Scottish accent. 2. He is not Alex Ferguson. 3. He is necessary for the survival of English football, given (1) and (2).



Blogger Abbi said...

You forgot to include your very own Rafa. What i like about him is his acumen when playing in the europe. He has been there and done it all. Lets see how he fares in the EPL next season, now that has all the money he has been craving for. Will he buy another Pennet/Bellamy or somebody really good.

And check out this link. first two pics are really cool.

And yeah, this is the best blog i have seen from any Indian football fan.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Szerelem said...

ZOMG!! *Loves this post*
Football would be so boring if it weren't for people like Mourinho....he actually makes me sit through Chelsea matches....that's saying a lot.

12:51 AM  

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