a champions league final report in deadly earnest

We don’t have much to say. This was a really bad match. Well, to be fair, we don’t have what you might call a balanced perspective: one of us spent the majority of the match pacing the balcony with a team shirt over her head, and the other was supporting the team that lost, and consequently gave up and retreated into ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ once Filippo Inzaghi scored his magnificent second goal (and then celebrated like he’d recovered the ring Kaká Frodo threw into the cracks of Mount Doom). Neither side gave us the character-filled ‘masterclass’ (thank you, Associated Press, for emblazoning that word into our collective consciousness forevermore by overusing it in the wake of the Milan-United game) in totally opposing football styles that the semi-finals had led us to hope for. The mistakes and overcautiousness that populated the field on the night overshadowed most of what might have been salvaged as a happy or comforting memory from the game.

Liverpool played the one striker who was unable to score (much). Milan just didn’t show up, and came through on what seemed like the benevolence of Liverpool, and the surprise shows from a couple of unlikely players, including one Nelson Jesus da Silva, whom you may know as “that utter twit, Dida.” All the goals were unnecessary and could have been avoided, everyone looked tired and drugged up to their eyeballs with fear and loathing, and – that was the match in its entirety.

Aisha’s vote for Man of the Match: no one, really. It’s sad that Liverpool produced not a single notable performance. Even Xabi broke our hearts. And when that happens, words become superfluous. All we can do is shake our heads in dismay. Shake, shake.

Ros’ vote for Man of the Match: Nesta, actually. Inzaghi was excellent and deservedly lauded as the matchwinner for Milan, but his two goals might have been consolation had it not been for the near-flawless performance from the man who suffered the injustice of watching his place in the World Cup being taken over – and then put to good use! – by Mad Matrix Materazzi. Another four years without injury and Nesta should end his career as he began, rightly hailed as one of the world’s best.

Aisha’s Moment of the Match: The Alonso foul. Decisive for the game, and, in spite of its terrible consequence for Liverpool, affording us the opportunity to look at Alonso up close. Devastating(ly gorgeous).

Ros’ Moment Of The Match: The Alonso foul. Decisive for the game and, in spite of producing a goal credited to Inzaghi, proof that Andrea Pirlo is the ruler of everything in the universe. When he can be bothered to keep his eyes open.

Aisha’s Pick For Most Hilarious Moment: The complete disappearance of own club’s defence during Inzaghi’s second goal. It must be noted here that the laughter was semi-hysterical.

Ros’ Pick For Most Hilarious Moment: Inzaghi wasting time, almost bookably, after being elbowed by empty air. Harry Kewell’s Elizabethan ‘Ye gods, that such a man existeth!’ hand gestures only served to heighten the hilarity.

Let the readers note that not a tear of sorrow or joy was shed during the game. We were impressively stoic, as befits young ladies of our intellect and temper, and conducted ourselves impeccably throughout. (Except for the bit with the jerseys and chick lit.)

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And that’s that for the season. Keep coming back for updates on DLG’s favourite things about football: rumours, gossip, persiflage and generally good-for-nothing football trivia. Don’t forget the Euro 2008 qualifiers, either. Until August, then, lovers of the mad, beautiful (and also? mad) game.